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‘Wow, my new boyfriend has the most enormous penis,’ said no woman to her friends, ever.
Despite what you may have gleaned from Sex And The City, discussions about girth over Cosmos are not the norm.
However, we will still share quite a lot with our besties, hence why we snigger when we hear you say the word ‘lift’.
Here’s what we tell our friends about you behind your back after we’ve slept with you.
1. How hairy you are
Womankind is divided into those who like bears and those who like babes. There’s no right or wrong but extra discussions will be held if you have unusually-shaped patches in unexpected places.
2. Seduction technique
As in ‘he just pokes me in the back with a semi and the words “fancy a f*ck?”‘.
Not so much to judge, more to brainstorm ideas on how to cure.
4. That weird thing you like
This is the reason we can’t look you in the eye when you’re holding a mini milk.
5. That other weird thing you like
And whether it could lead to a yeast infection.
6. Whether you do ‘the throw down’
If you don’t know, then you probably don’t.
7. Your porn preferences
Plus a discussion on whether we should be worried that, even though we’re blonde caucasian, it’s all Asian babes.
8. How well you navigated the condom bit
It’s not like we’re marking you out of 10 here but, if you first say you don’t want to use one, begrudgingly pick one up, moan it’s not the same then can’t actually perform with one then, er, that’s a fail.
9. Location, Location, Location
Was it in a lift? Was it in the sea? Was it in a Vauxhall Corsa in Morrison’s car park?
These are details that must and will be shared.
10. How thoughtful you are
Did you go get a glass of water after going down on us or did you try the creepy vag to mouth kiss?
Were your bed sheets lady-friendly? Did you make us a bacon sandwich after?
11. How it was for us
Again, not in a ‘grading your homework’ sort of way, more in a ‘I wonder where he got the idea for that?’ sort of way. (Spoiler: porn. He got it from porn).
But not like that.
As in – he has the biggest arms / abs / voice.
NB It is worth noting we will almost never be that rude about you because that would imply we’d chosen to sleep with someone beneath our high standards.
Unless we were drunk… in which case you’ll be the story we wheel out every hen do.