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There are some thoughts we have about sex that we can’t even voice to our best friends after half a bottle of wine, because well, they’re a bit awkward and we’re British and all that.
Here’s what we secretly think about doing the deed.
1. We want to have period sex. Heck, we’re horniest when we’re on our period, but we don’t want to ask you because we’re scared you’ll be so disgusted by the bloody scene you’ll flee and never return.
2. We find 69-ing too complicated and uncomfortable, and everyone involved basically has to have their whole face squashed – nose first – into private parts.
3. Most of you press our clitoris like you’re trying really hard to pop a spot, or y’know, push it back inside our body. Turns out that’s not going to make a girl climax anytime soon.
4. Your balls smell. Sorry.
5. We can’t actually feel it when you come inside us. And actually? We can’t really tell if you’re wearing a condom or not. Surprise!
6. Whenever you go down on us it fills us with excitement, and then floods of anxiety about whether we smell or have pieces of loo roll stuck in every nook and cranny.
7. The main reason we don’t want a threesome is because we don’t have anywhere near enough self-confidence to watch you get with another girl who we’re 107 per cent sure you’ll find more sexy/attractive/amazing than us.
8. When you suck on our nipples, there’s always a split second when we feel like we’re breastfeeding a man and it’s beyond creepy.
9. One of the worst things about sex is that awkward moment where one of you gets eye contact with the other during oral and everyone’s unsure about what facial expression to pull.
10. The fear of poo is greater than the fear of pain when it comes down to whether or not we’re game for anal sex. What if it just ends up EVERYWHERE?
11. We really don’t care if you come before us, as long as you come back round to finish us off afterwards. In fact, sometimes we prefer it – otherwise we have to go straight back to work right after we’ve come.
12. We find the STOP EVERYTHING to put a condom on moment as awkward as you do, but guess what? We kinda don’t want a baby or a spot of herpes right now. Weird, eh?
13. Unless we literally have to wade through a deep, dark forest, pubes mean nothing to us. Keep it long, keep it trimmed, do whatever – but have something there, otherwise you look a bit like a pre-teen and that’s not so OK.
14. We like sex toys. They vibrate. You don’t. Don’t be intimidated. They won’t replace you, they just work as an added extra, like a side of fries or something.
15. There’s no point trying to have sex with us if there’s a pet in the room/we’re in our parents house/our family are staying over – we can’t concentrate and it feels like the world will be upset with us forevermore.
16. We want to go on top more but we just can’t handle that sort of cardio. Nope. Not without trainers, Nike leggings and One Direction pumping in our ears at least.
17. We used to really like kissing sessions that lasted over an hour when we were teenagers. So if you ever wanted to bring that back, that’d be OK.
18. Those scenes in TV programmes where people sneak into storage cupboards and have sex fully dressed up against a wall? We want them.