S&M – 18 thoughts everyone has on trying BDSM aka bondage for the first time

October 21, 2014 admin No comments

50-shades-e1406205788910

Jane wasn’t convinced he was ever coming back… (Picture: Focus Features/YouTube)

If you hadn’t tried it before then you almost certainly did after 50 Shades came out.

And with the film released in February no doubt Anne Summers and co will soon be selling out of fluffy handcuffs, floggers and all manner of S&M-lite accessories.

But what goes through our minds while we’re trying so very hard to get all Ana and Christian?

This.

1. I can’t take this seriously. Seriously. Can anyone take this seriously?

2. I wonder what this says about us and our childhoods? What if Freud was right?

3. Oh great, now I’ve made this situation even weirder by thinking about my parents.

4. Hang on, aren’t we supposed to have a safe word?

5. I feel like such a prune.

6. This still makes me a feminist, right?

Jamie Dornan 50 Shades Instgram

If I accidentally headbutt you in the balls you’ve got no one to blame but yourself (Picture: Jamie Dornan 50 Shades Instgram)

7. Nope, nope, nice try but I’m not double-jointed and my limbs will not fold that way.

8. Hm. Technically I guess given the roles we’re playing I’m not meant to say you’re not doing this right but, er you’re not doing this right.

9. We really should have discussed this properly first.

10. Yes, I trust you but do I really trust you enough to untie / uncuff me at the end of this?

Because I’d at least be tempted to pop to the shops for a Mars Bar just for laughs.

11. You wouldn’t take a picture either…right?…

12. Ow.

Jamie Dornan when he's not in wet clothes (Picture: Calvin Klein)

Yes, this is just an excuse for showing you that pic of Jamie Dornan (aka Christian Grey) in his pants again (Picture: Calvin Klein)

13. Ok, so I’m getting the pain bit, when does the pleasure kick in?

14. I guess I can just say these welts on my wrists are from, er, hair elastics?

15. I bet I could easily get out of these cuffs if I wanted.

16. From these knots it’s pretty clear you were never a Scout. Wait til it’s my turn…

17. Have you purposefully chosen a position to most emphasise my fat rolls? Do you also have erotic feelings for raw dough?

18. Ha, yes I know you may think this is the perfect time to ‘accidentally’ switch holes but if you do so I may ‘accidentally’ bite at a key juncture.

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